


Schmetterling

by ladywongs



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Angst, Canon Related, F/M, Touken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-02 00:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8643706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywongs/pseuds/ladywongs
Summary: Touka and Kaneki share a nostalgic coffee talk a month after his returning to :re. But sometimes, things can never go back to the way they used to be.“It doesn’t matter what happens,” she mutters. “Don’t push us away again."





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is crap, but I'm so sleepy and I really wanted to write a quick thing to help quench the otp thirst.

**—o—**

 

Kaneki could close his eyes and count to ten.

One, two, three, four…

Open his eyelids again and see blood. A thousand minus seven centipedes slithering through his cracked body, sharp blades threatening to pierce his eyes off and a pair of fogged glasses staring at him from above, white mane that sways with the wind and a horrible feeling takes possession of his body just by the thought of it, the thought of things that once were but are not anymore, of all the things that vanish away around him while he remains intact, like an old movie passing by right before his eyes. Kaneki could see many things, however, the first thing he perceives after opening his eyelids are the bleak streets of Tokyo engulfed in a winter breeze, the soft whisper of the wind caressing the branches of the highest trees, numbing his fingertips. Kaneki doesn’t remember the last time he witnessed such silence, there sitting on a bench under the moonlight, a few steps away from :re.

The quietness of the moment feels almost overwhelming, however, he doesn’t want to break up the spell. Dressed in black, Kaneki seems to submerge between the darkness of the night, the shadows engulf him and he’s not afraid of being exposed like this so late in the night despite being the most wanted person in all Tokyo. Between the darkness no one can see him; however, Kaneki can feel certain light coming out painstakingly slow even before he can notice that it’s there.

Her smell, her presence, Kaneki doesn’t need to look at her to know she’s near.

“You can’t sleep?”

Then her voice confirms his thoughts.

Kaneki tilts his face to once side, rigid and not due to the cold. Touka lies in the middle of the street holding two mugs of coffee between her hands, and the light that radiates from her body threatens his gloomy hideaway. Her presence is overwhelming.

Kaneki blurts out a sigh, the air coming out from his lips like the breath of a ghost, and he shakes his head. His eyes are what Touka needs to give the next step, because even when confidence is her middle name and her face raises up in pride, only God knows how nervous she is at being there, standing in front of him, alone, after so many years. Touka comes closer and takes a seat beside him, handing him the mug.

“Here.”

Kaneki’s lips curve into a little smirk at noticing the rabbit design over the latte. His hands hold the mug, warming up his fingers, and stares at the coffee for long minutes, engraving the art in his fragile and weak memory. He looks at her sideways.

“You’ve improved.”

Touka raises up her legs to rest her feet on the bench, her knees slightly resting against her chest.

“I wonder if you still remember how to make them,” she wonders, taking a sip from her cup.

Kaneki shrugs.

“I could try…”

She snorts in response, and her cheeks dye in a glossy pink.

“No way. You would screw it up.”

The sporadic giggle that comes out from Kaneki’s lips sends abyssal bursts into Touka’s belly, slowly spreading out all over her body. Her fingers sink firmly into the mug, nervously staring at the street lamp that illuminates their silhouettes, and the lightning allows Kaneki to see her in a more intimate way compared to the few times he saw her since he came back. Although her black sweater is huge enough to keep her warm from the cold, he can notice the slenderness of her fingers around the mug, the way her hair shines like the color of the sky under the lamp’s shadow, the paleness of her face, the little tufts of her bangs slithering between her thick eyebrows… everything in her feels extremely different and yet, the familiarity that her skin beams out is something that Kaneki has never been able to forget, even when he didn’t know who she was.

And Touka warns his groggy stare, persisting eyes dwelling on her features. She takes courage, nails painfully scratching the old mug and her eyes meet his.

“What is it?” she asks in a whisper, and for a strange reason, she fears the answer.

Kaneki keeps staring at her for a couple minutes, and then his eyes come back to his coffee.

“Your hair… looks different. I still don’t get used seeing you like that,” he says, smiling a bit, but happiness doesn’t glimmer within his eyes. “You’ve changed.”

She looks at him as if Kaneki had said something extremely stupid. Touka’s eyes travel to his white hair, snorting.

“Look who’s talking,” she scoffs, and Kaneki smiles. She smiles back, and such a simple gesture turns into something way too intimate, an inside joke that only the two of them understand.

Both travel their eyes to the mugs again, the empty street, the moonlight trying to hide between thick clouds, and Touka can’t stop thinking about it. Her words come out almost offhand.

“We’ve all changed,” she whispers, and during an instant she feels like a child again. “Is that a good thing?”

Kaneki doesn’t reply immediately. Changes used to terrify him since ancient times. When his mother died, there were many uncomfortable changes he had to get used to. When he became a ghoul, the adaptation was long and complicated, and till this day it still was. When he lived as Haise, his mind lived divided by two different worlds without even knowing exactly to which of the two he really belonged. Now, in just a blink of an eye, he was the king of an unstable rebellion, and uncertainty of the future provoked lonely nights like this one.

And then, there was her.

She was a huge part of this change. And Kaneki never felt so unsure in his life.

“Changes are necessary,” he proclaims, acquiring a wisdom his heart doesn’t really possess.

Touka sighs.

“This must be hard for you,” her voice whispers, unsure of how he’s gonna take it. “After so many years, having to adjust to all of this… it must feel strange.”

Kaneki’s hands press firmly against the cup.

“Only a bit.”

His eyes dwell over a coffee he barely even tasted, and minutes go by, and he feels Touka’s eyes upon him. He counts to three, dressing his spirit in bravery to lift up his gaze and face her eyes. He counts to three, wishing for the shimmer in his eyes to not destroy the mess that has blasted inside his mind. Because Touka is like a dense mist that blinds every single one of his senses, forcing him to walk through paths he never thought he would take before. When his board stands in order, Touka is the hand that tears down the pieces, daring him to clear them all over again, to start from the beginning once more… and that terrifies him.

Touka scares him in every single way. Kaneki’s gaze meets hers, fearing the worst, waiting for more stabs by the hand of a girl that looks at him with a plea in her eyes. Kaneki waits, almost confused, and Touka’s lips part in a dangerous question.

“Can I ask you a favor?”

The whisper of her voice flies in the air and leans on his skin, covering him hole. There under a sheepish light, Kaneki can notice that Touka hasn’t changed as much as he thought. Her eyebrows still arch in the same way she used to when she was worried, when something really annoying was bouncing inside her mind, and because of the dim her hair doesn’t look so light as before, it looks almost black, so dark as she used to wear it the day they met. Her features are thinner and mature, she’s not a child anymore, however his chest twitches due a question with no answer and her eyes filled with curiosity, the same curiosity she used to manifest when both were walking down the streets and she’d stop in front of a grocery store to stare at the cakes behind the glass.

A girl who only desired to find humanity.

_"Kaneki, what does a cake taste like?"_

_“Uhm, well, it’s hard to explain to be honest…”_

_“Don’t be an ass! Just tell me already!”_

_“U-Uh, well…”_

But the world was too cruel for someone like her.

Kaneki simply nods, unable to form any specific answer, and during an instant he feels completely helpless. He’s not the one-eyed king anymore, and Touka is not just a regular waitress neither. The walls around them are falling apart, the tension reaches its highest peak and Touka’s eyes upon him are nothing and everything, all at once.

Her answer feels like a splash of frozen water.

“It doesn’t matter what happens,” she mutters. “Don’t push us away again. Not now.”

_Not again._

He lowers his gaze, feeling terribly faint.

“You mean that because of everything that’s been happening, right?” he asks, leaning forward to rest his elbows against his knees. Both mugs are completely cold by now. “I know you’re not very comfortable with all this, but—“

“It’s not that,” she disrupts. “It’s more complicated than that. I… I have my brother back, I have Hinami…"

Touka pauses, and for some bizarre and masochistic reason, Kaneki knows what she’s gonna say next.

She swallows, looking at her cold coffee.

“... I have you,” Touka whispers. She looks exceptionally sad. “Everything came back so quickly, all of a sudden. I don’t want to lose everything again now that I have it with me.”

“You won't,” Kaneki’s voice sounds firm and steady for the first time in the whole night. “I’m not gonna let that happen.”

_Don’t leave me alone._

_I won’t._

Both are thinking the same thing.

She wants to say more, but words leave her empty. She sighs, and even though she’s grateful for the tiny moment she got to spend with him tonight, considering how everyone was always taking him away from her, she felt the dense wall slowly building up between them once more, and Touka can’t help but wonder if it’ll always be like this with him.

Will it ever stop?

Touka sighs, nodding, and sits up from the bench, the breeze slowly shaking her short hair.

“Well, it’s late. We should go to sleep,” she announces, and turns around to take Kaneki’s cup out of his hands. He looks surprised by the sudden change of conversation, and how the situation was finally coming to an end.

Without saying more, Touka turns around ready to walk inside :re, but Kaneki stops her. He jumps out the bench, legs trembling and lips parting with a plea that sounds like her name. Her name. He swallows, and for the very first time in a whole month, his heart actually _feels_ something. A throb, it hurts, it burns, and it’s eating him alive.

“Touka-chan…”

The sound of his voice muttering her name like he used to sends shivers down her spine. Her eyes burn with tears way too fearful to fall. She has cried so much that she doesn’t even find the strength to do it again. Her heart feels heavy, yet she turns around to face him. He’s tall and real, and he’s there in front of her when she thought she wouldn’t see him ever again, but the wall between them is still too strong, and it doesn’t matter how many times Touka tries to punch it, to destroy it… it won’t break that easily.

She waits for him to speak, wishing he could say everything she’s been wanting for him to say since he came back.

“I…” he stops, and the coldness of his eyes during the entire talk are gone, vanished away like crystal tears. He’s dealing with an inner battle, she can see it. “I… I want to—”

She sighs, and the tired grin in her lips breaks Kaneki’s heart into pieces.

“I’m happy that you’re back, Kaneki,” she interrupts, putting an end to the conversation. “I just want you to know that.”

Her words stab him right in his chest, like everything that comes out of Touka’s mouth. She’s an angel with a shotgun.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” she says, and when she turns around to get inside the shop without looking back, Kaneki feels he has lost a huge part of his body.

Something is missing, there’s always something missing.

His body stays frozen under the dim for long minutes after she’s gone, and when his body finds rest onto his bed once he gets inside his house, the only thing he can do is to cover his face with both hands, trembling and feeling a thumping agony down to his bones. Despite himself, there’s nothing he can do about it.

He falls asleep with his eyelids burning, the sight of her smile being the last thing he sees before falling into darkness.

_I’m sorry, Touka-chan._


End file.
